Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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