my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
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