Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
