meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
