I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
