I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
