I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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