I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
