I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
