help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
