if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
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