I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.