Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
