Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
