Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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