im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
