I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
