The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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