Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
