Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
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Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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