I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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