The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
