3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
