wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
