Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You ruined the universe
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