I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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