A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
