I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
