It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
