I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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