Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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