My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
