Cold hands, warm shart.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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