Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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