I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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