Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
