i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
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I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
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I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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