Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
ugly people sure do ruin things
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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