this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
