just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
