Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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