you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
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