I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
