The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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