no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
