awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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