Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
