i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
