The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
