I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
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Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize