it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
