My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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