'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
