I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
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Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
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Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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