True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
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I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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