i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
