Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
