Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
