You're so nebulous sometimes
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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