its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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