I want you more than these girls want KFC
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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