Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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