just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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