Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
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I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
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We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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