2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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